Blood
by Raven Lynn
Summary: Based off my twisted head cannon& interactions from the mod Karma's Companions. Jowan had made many mistakes that he regretted. Possibly the worst was letting his best friend fall in love with a Templar. Now that they are free of the Circle how will they come to terms with each other when the world around them is falling apart.
1. Chapter 1

Blood.

The hot metallic smell permeated everything and Jowan was sick of it.

The floor was covered in arcane symbols painted in blood and in the middle of it laid out as if on a funeral pyre was Nemeria, his best friend since childhood.

"You love her don't you?" Wynne's voice was not a question.

She looked down at the sleeping elf, her features softening. The enchanter had known both of them since they were children but like everyone at the Tower she had known and liked Nemmy much better than Jowan. The star pupil who was soft spoken and kind but with an iron will had stolen everyone's heart including his. He had once wanted to be resentful of her but never could bring himself to be mad at her for his failures.

He does not look up but keeps his eyes trained on her motionless form. Her body was safe but she was millions of miles away, fighting for her life and Jowan had sent her there alone. He could not handle one of Wynne's disapproving lectures now.

But to his surprise the senior mage began to recant a story.

"I remember when she first arrived at the tower. She was so small and frail in the middle of winter, half starved. We senior enchanters didn't think she would survive to see spring. The Templars who had brought her in were known for being violent and we feared they had beaten her mute, she was so silent by the time she arrived."

"I thought she had had brown hair she was so matted and dirty." Jowan said the image of a waif like child Nemmy returning.

"Weeks pasted and she did not speak or attempt to communicate. She was a ghost of a child her eyes so glassy and her cheeks so hollow. Until the one day we heard her laugh."

Jowan had to smile at that. He had been trying so hard to learn a fire spell and he had only succeeded in setting his robes on fire before creating a small ball sized flame which he tossed from one hand to another in an attempt to control it. He had noticed the small girl watching him with her huge green eyes but had only given her a tiny smile before returning to his practice.

"I had tossed the ball between my palms several times unable to keep it from burning me. I must have looked like a strange juggler because after she laughed she just reached out and her hand was ice cold, extinguishing the flame holding my burnt palm in her tiny ones."

"And neigh inseparable after that." Her eyes finally settling on Jowen a soft smile on her face. It is not the face of a disapproving mentor or even the revulsion at the act of blood magic. It was the face of a compassionate old woman who cared for him. Cared for him because of Nemmy, who had a way of making everyone see the good in him.

It had been something like that, he remembered. Jowen had been her protector for the first few months and she began to come out of her shell to him. Many nights they snuck into each other's bunks just for the companionship. Both had been too young at the time to think of the impropriety of it. They were just two mages against the world filled with dark terrors.

And now you feed her to those terrors because you were not strong enough. You dishonored her, hid the truth so she was forced away after you ran. You coward.


	2. Chapter 2

It was 12 hours and still Nemmy was in the fade. The Templars were getting anxious and Jowan knew that Cullen did not need additional reason to want to kill him should anything happen to her. Even Wynne and Irving seemed on edge about the length of time it has taking. What had he gotten her into? Both their lives hung in the balance.

Light footsteps told Jowan he was not alone but he was surprised to see the Arlessa coming in. She wore long sleeves to hide the cuts from where they had drawn blood but she had apparently made enough of a recovery to visit her family and their would-be saviors. Given the alternative he was sure she was thankful to the elf even if she was unsure how to show it.

She gave Jowan wide birth looking at the sleeping elf laid out on the table in arcane symbols. No doubt she still blamed Jowan for all the problems that had occurred here but Liliana had told him of her and Nemeria's arguments. The Bann had taken the Warden's side but both had agreed this might be their only chance. Nemmy had saved what was left of the circle and she was unwilling to lose anyone of the Arl's family. One day her resolute determination would cost her and Jowan prayed to the Maker it would not be her undoing.

"Her wounds have not changed." The Arless says careful not to touch her. The Warden's pale arms showed the cuts where Nemmy volunteered her own tainted blood for the ritual. Jowan was surprised she was as confident as she had been but also the amount she had given to avoid the Arlessa's fate. Combined with the lyrium Irving had brought with him it had been enough.

"She had bled enough; I can take some burden from her." Nemmy had said as she had helped Jowan prepare the ritual. The few remaining enchanters that had been allowed to travel had brought meager amounts of lyrium and the Warden's had donated a supply (surely not all lest the Templars exhibit withdrawal). But in the end it had come down to the blood.

Jowan stands and looks at Nemeria's arms, where the Arlessa had indicated. The gashes that she had made to pour blood into the bowls for the ritual was large and sore looking. They were no longer leaking but neither had they closed over. The Arlessa had noticed the other cuts that were in various stages of healing. She would not know what that implied but Jowan did. The confidence she had showed when he had told her about the amount blood needed. The way she had held the dagger just so to get enough blood without damaging herself to much. She had known it all.

_Oh Nemmy, no_

A small gasp and she goes ridged. The Arlessa looks at Jowan who nods trying to keep his demeanor neutral even as his chest tightened . The Noble looks ready to take flight and he confirms what she had assumed.

"It has begun." He sat back down next to his best friend as she found a demon he had sent her to alone.

* * *

A/N I have recently gotten back into dragon age while impatiently waiting E3 and the bioware announcements. ::COUGH COUGH DA3: Since my PC died I will be playing both games I am using this as an excuse to get back into it all the way from the beginning. In case it wasn't obsvious I use a lot of game mods XD and still my head cannon is still a bit weird. Enjoy!


	3. Chapter 3

The fight itself was surprisingly quick. Of course it was this was Nemeria after all, the chosen apprentice of First Enchanter Irving. She had completed her Harrowing in record time and fought the Abomination that had once been Uldred. Irving would go check on her and make sure she was stable before returning to the tower with the other Templars as escort but Jowan would remain, Nemmy had seen to that before entering the Fade. She had bargained for his temporary reprieve with her former mentor as a Grey Warden not as the mage who had studied at the man's desk for all those years. How quickly things had changed for the two mages since he had fled the tower.

Cullen had come to get Nemmy after word had spread that the boy Conner was free. She had woken briefly but was very weak as to be expected. Jowan had seen the hesitation the Templar had to touch her when her eyes had been closed, as if she would turn into a monster and attack him if the Templar came any closer. But she had opened her eyes and smiled at her lover and he had carried her upstairs to rest without even a glance at Jowan.

When the Arlessa had run out of the room Wynne and Irving had come in. The room had become colder as Nemeria used her magic across the fade; her favorites Cone of Cold and Ice bolt transferring some of the effects to her body had been draining on her. The same fate that had befallen Niall Jowan had learned. Using magic in the Fade has real world consequences on the host. Irving had warned that the demon she would likely face would be a powerful one but after Uldred that seemed of little consequence to deter her.

They had come to make sure she had not made a deal with the devil. Should Nemeria had made a bargain with the demon it would have fallen to the two Enchanters to deal with her. She had taken her Harrowing so the Templars had judged her fit to be allowed to cross the fade so if the worse had happened she was their problem to deal with.

But when she had woken she had not looked to them in fear or anger, she awoke suddenly and looked between the three mages for what felt like a long time. She had seen Jowan and smiled tiredly reaching out her frigid hand and squeezed his own. His heart had soared and for just a second for the first time in his life Jowan thought maybe things would work out for him.

After Cullen had fetched her, Jowan offered to begin cleaning the remnants of the ritual. He knew the maids would be too terrified to touch the blood symbols even if they were inactive now and he was not sure he could face any of the others Nemmy had gathered given the circumstances.

As he began to scrub away the blood- his, the Arlessa's and so much of Nemmy's, the image of Cullen carrying Nemmy away like a doll he no longer wanted to share replayed over and over in his mind. Wynne's comment added to the scene as he clenched at the thought of Cullen being afraid to touch her as if she was a monster like those in the tower that she had rescued the Templar from. Had the Templar forgotten that so soon?

_You love her don't you._ The image of Cullen carrying her away with his broadsword still strapped to his back. An unspoken threat. For Jowan or for Nemeria?

Years ago when they were both children Nemeria used to steal away into Jowan's room. It had been companionship and togetherness that a Templar could not hope to understand. Whispering secrets and jokes in the dark, falling asleep and waking early to steal back to their own beds so not to get caught. And suddenly it had become more, one day when his body had decided it was time for him to become an adult.

They were both young but neither were they children anymore. Suddenly his playmate and confidant had gone from a gawky skinny elf into an attractive girl, it must have happened gradually over time but he had been oblivious to it until he was hopelessly lost. He found himself wondering what the lips that would brush against his ear to whisper to him in the night would feel like against his own. He wanted to know how her nimble hands that could create ice out of thin air could be so warm against his body.

He had never dared act on it for fear of losing her but many times after she had fallen asleep and he would be lying on his side awkwardly to hid his shame he would reach over and run his fingers through her long hair (the only time she took it down) and she would nuzzle into him, oblivious of anything other than their friendship. In a world where everything you have can be taken away at a moment's notice one does not take unnecessary chances with the most precious thing you have.

Yes he did, but now it was a bittersweet memory. He had for a long time and had tried so hard not to. She had been his best friend, his strength, even at times his protector and advocate which was the oddest thing considering how small and slight she was.

He had once been about to tell her what else she had meant to him when he had found her and Cullen in a corner of the library. How she had managed to convince the Templar to actually act on his obvious affections Jowan did not care to image. He had heard the rumors and seen the blushing glances from both of them but she had never told him it had gone further.

But he had seen them embracing in a passionate kiss to the point neither had even noticed him enter. He had been mad and yelled at Nemeria later when he had confronted her, telling her the dangers of what she was doing and lashing out at her but mostly he was mad at himself for waiting so long. As if he needed a reason to hate the blond Templar even more, the Templar had had the courage to do what he himself had not.

Nemmy had tried to talk to him several times after that, even going to his room after curfew. It had not gone well; he had not known what to say to her, he felt betrayed and oh so angry. For the first time in the years they had known each other he had yelled at her, telling her she was acting stupidly and the risks she was taking for a Templar of all things. If he had seen them did she really believe not one else would? Even a rumor could be enough to get her in trouble, and there were always rumors and rumor mongers eager to spread false information.

She had avoided most of the severe punishments the circle dished out by her skill but even that would not help her should their relationship be exposed. Spending many years in the circle they knew the punishments that mages could suffer were harsh and the unspoken ones much worse. Mostly she had avoided them but Nemmy was not a kid anymore, in fact she was a pretty girl and that made her position all the more dangerous if she should earn Templars ire. He had yelled that particular fate to her also, a harsh reality that she had avoided by being apprenticed to the first enchanter. That would be worthless if the Templars found out about Cullen's supposed seductress.

She had stopped coming to his room at night after that, he had told himself that it was for the best. He was not sure but he had probably made her cry but he never again saw Cullen and her together after that. He knew they were still together because he knew Nemmy but soon after in his sorrow he had met Lily and the chain of events that had put them here had started in lighting speed.

Lily, another failure on his part. She had been a lovely girl with soft green eyes and how she had paid for his mistakes. How many times when he had been taking her had he wished her green eyes had been a little more angular or her brown hair just a little redder? Their clandestine romps, the same thing he had yelled at Nemmy about with the Templar seemed like another lifetime now, something that had happened to someone else. At the time it had seemed so different but hindsight as they said was perfect. He had been such a hypocrite but Nemmy had not refused to help them when he had asked.


	4. Chapter 4

The blood was off the floor and Jowan went with a slop bucket to dump the water down a sewer drain when he heard armor rustling from the room ahead. For once Jowan was too tired to run away he walked in and was not surprised to see Cullen kneeling over a pile of cloth which he was feeding into the fire. He recognized the tattered remains of Nemmy's robes all bloodstained but on top was a long red ribbon free from any stain but old and worn.

"No!" He snatches the ribbon away the gauntleted fist that was about to fed it to the flames and Cullen is instantly on guard. Anger wells in the mage. A realization that had never dawned on him as he looked at the blond man fueled his outburst, giving him the nerve to lash out even in his exhaustion at the armored man.

"You can't burn this. She would never forgive you." He mindlessly folds it in a way he had seen her do countless times as she would let down her impossibly long hair. The man in armor does not look angry as much as confused and Jowan knew he was right. For their entire secret affair the Templar knew nothing about Nemeria other than she was a beautiful mage.

"This was a gift from her mother. The only thing Nemmy has left of her." He slipped the velvet into his pocket and notes the Templar's nod. "I did not know. Thank you…" Probably the most words Cullen had said to Jowan in years that did not call for his death or dismemberment. The awkward silence between the two was palpable.

"She is resting?" He asked finally.

"Yes, Liliana is with her." The blond man returns to his work.

He dumps his pail and excuses himself. The image of the Templar burning Nemeria's circle robes disturbed him on a deep level and the exhaustion from the ritual and the half day vigil catching up to him at last. He steps out of the stairway and notices the other Templar and the Knight still up talking outside the door to the Arl's study. The knight Sir Gilmore he remembers waves him over.

"The ladies have split rooms in the guest hall and the mages will camp in the court yard. Alistair and Cullen have found a suitable room in the kitchen staffs rooms. That leaves you and I in the Chamberlin's room. I trust that is acceptable?" the redhead gives a small smile. It certainly beat the dungeon he had been expecting to sleep in.

"Right now you could make me sleep in the barn tied to a post and I would say thank you."

"You may still get your wish, the Arl is still sick "The other Templar says but unlike Cullen he seems more sad then hostile. Jowan had heard rumors that the young man had grown up with the family and wore his loyalty to the man on his sleeve. Even the Arlessa who had reacted to the man like a sick dog, had gotten a good word from the other Warden.

The Knight escorts Jowan to the room which was not lavish by any stretch of the imagination but right now he could sleep in a pile of hay for a week so was his exhaustion. Apparently he was still under suspicion but having helped free the boy gave him at least a night's reprieve, which he desperately needed.

Jowan stood awkwardly in the door as Gilmore dropped his sword and pack. The knight had been traveling with Nemmy since Lothering and at least had a bedroll of his own. Noticing that Jowan had none he motions to the bed allowing Jowan to sleep there.

Spirits certainly had a sense of irony he thought; he had betrayed Nemmy, almost gotten her exiled or worse, poisoned one of the most respected men in all the Thedas and was being rewarded by sleeping in one of the man's plush beds.

Roland removed his boots and was watching the mage with more interest than veiled animosity. He had told Nemmy his distaste for blood magic but had accompanied her to the tower to fetch the other mages to save the boy even after the events that had transported the Knight into the fade with all the rest. Unlike the Templars he did not outright hate Jowan because of his abilities, probably the main reason he was bunking up with Ser Gilmore rather than the redhead standing guard over him for another night in the dungeons.

The Knight was watching him, clearly he wanted to say something but was unsure how to begin.

"You know I met Nemeria many years ago, back before you even knew her I think."

"Are you sure?" That surprised him." She came to the circle very young."

The Knight nods. "The story we found out years later went that her family was fleeing the Templars, her father was a Dalish apostate, and her mother had received training as a bard in Orlais They had fled Denerim and traveled north." That made an odd kind of sense based on the last memories Nemmy had of her mother, many she had not spoken about in years.

"I had come to the castle in the spring and her family was hired on as extra hands in the fall. The lady Cousland became fond of Adia quickly because unlike many of the other elves in the area not only was she literate but she could also speak and write Orleasan. I never met her father because he was in hiding, not that we knew that at the time. The Templars had come for him and he was defending her when her own magic first made an appearance. He had been killed rather than his wife or daughter harmed but when they tried to take Nemeria after what they had done to her husband Adaia killed one in front of the girl. "The knight pauses, that was the part Nemmy had told Jowan years ago. The last memory she had of her mother was of her slitting the throat of one of the guards and ordering her to flee. The Knight went on.

"After seeing her father stuck down and her mother captured I imagine turning herself over to the remaining Templars must have seen like a sure death. They fled into the Bannorn to try to evade the remaining Templars, unwilling to put more alienage's in danger before they eventually got her. I'm not sure how but Adaia got away but she was never the same afterward. I'm not surprised Nemmy is as determined as she is. That was a lot for such a young girl to endure even if the Maker had wanted it to be so."

"And what happened to her mother?" Jowan had a strong suspicion he did not really want to know.

"After the winter she came back but didn't stay long for fear of putting the alienage in danger. They had tried to defend her and her family and the Templars might want revenge for their comrades. We heard from another elf that she died a few years later in some uprising in Denerim. Like her daughter Adaia was never one to stand by and not get involved."

Everything the knight told Jowan made sense but he had never heard most of it, how much did Nemeria actually remember and how much did she just never want to speak of again? Wynne had remarked how the elf had arrived half frozen and clearly abused but what Gilmore told him made it fit. The Templar bastards had taken out their anger on a little girl who had defied them because to try to track down the mother would be certain death.

A winter on the run from the people who had killed your father in front of you and took you from your mother. Whatever abuses they had made her to suffer before returning her back to the tower, he had no idea for she had never spoken about it even to her best friend. No wonder she had not spoken to anyone for months. She had probably believed every human there was just waiting to abuse her.

The knight fell asleep quickly and snored heavily. So heavily Jowan didn't hear the knock at first. When it came again a red tangle peered into the darkened room.

"Jowan?" Nemmy of course

"Nemeria, you should be recovering. What are you doing here?"

The elf slips in and sits on the foot of the bed. She is barefoot and wrapped in some borrowed clothes several sizes too big.

"I slept a little." She answers defensively" and everyone is hovering."

"You mean Cullen." He said pointedly.

"Him, Wynne, Irving even the Bann. You'd think they'd believe I'm up to something." She gives a small laugh.

"You were gone a long time." He pushed trying to get her to talk. "We were worried."

"I wanted to send you, but Irwin refused to allow it with the limited resources we have." She said, anger crossing over her features. _And the blood of course._

"Me? Why me?" Her confession startled him.

"Because" she gave a mischievous smile" you would have had to face down a demon in the fade. "

"My harrowing." He says softly understanding, she nods.

"But because of the spell I couldn't... I'll make it up to you. "She promises, looking up at him green eyes flashing in the dim room.

"To me? You are always looking out for me. I'm a blood mage and an apostate no one else will give me the benefit of the doubt. The fact you spoke on my behalf to the Bann and Arlessa is more than I could have hoped. "

"No one else knows you like I do. I trusted you to make sure I was safe."

"You have an odd definition of safe Nemmy. Unarmed in the fade. . . ." they both laugh softly so not to wake the slumbering knight.

"What was it like? The fade without the circle guiding where they wanted you to go?"

"Huge, I never would have found my way if not for... "She stops, biting her lower lip a clear tell that she did not want to talk about it.

"Your mother?" He asks gently, she shakes her head looking at her hands before going on.

"My father actually. He came to help me find my way and to apologize." Her long hair obscuring her face as she studies her hands.

"For what?" Considering the man had died when she was six Jowan could not image what the elf had felt the need to apologize for.

"For giving me such a powerful gift but not having the chance to teach me to use it."

"Nemeria where did you learn the blood magic? It has only been a few months since you left the tower." He points to the cuts on her arms that the Arlessa had noticed.

"Avernus" she admits the warden mage from the Keep they had reclaimed.

"Does Cullen know?" She shakes her head. Of course he didn't. One type of forgotten magic would look just as evil as another to a Templar who was wound to tight.

"We will have to make sure he doesn't." He takes her hand and flips it over in his own, exposing the cut veins and healing over marks. With a few muttered arcane words, he heals the worst of them still holding her hand.

"You have to be careful with Cullen, after what you told me about the circle he is loose cannon even for a Templar." He was trying to keep his voice concerned so she did not pull away from him.

"He would never hurt me." But she did not meet his gaze in the darkened room, she could never lie to him.

"He was ready to kill you at your Harrowing. What do you think he will say if he finds out about your new skills. "

"Wardens don't ban blood magic."

He almost told her about the look the Templar had given her right after she had returned from the Fade but he did not have the strength to fight with her now. He sighed and released her hand which he had still been holding, delicate fingers as cool as ice in his own.

"I should go. You must be exhausted." She slides off the bed abruptly." I just wanted to come by and thank you. Even with the circumstances I knew I could trust you." She leans over and kisses his forehead, the moonlight just catching her as she exited.

* * *

The next morning Alistair was talking to the Warden's group. Nemeria was nowhere to be seen. The Arl was still sick but Conner seemed to be back to normal according to both his mother and uncle. Out of the fire and into the frying pan for the man who had poisoned the man. Whatever good graces Jowan had earned seemed to have ended last night. Apparently Nemmy was meeting with the Bannn and Arlessa upstairs to discuss their next move and the others were helping the guards and villagers. Liliana told him excitedly that they would be going in search of the urn of sacred ashes, the former initiate was almost buzzing with excitement. A myth that the Arlessa had staked her husband's life on. She had sent away so many of his knights that would have protected the village when Connor's demons had poured through the Fade, but pointing out that little fact would do him no good.

The three emerged each with a different expression. the Arlessa still grief stricken had clearly been crying, the Bann looked tired and disturbed but Nemmy for her pale skin and bags under her eyes was fuming in barely contained rage. She pulled Alistair aside and in hushed tones they discussed random members of their group, Jowan of course not included. Finally Nemeria comes to the head of the table and explains the plan. They would be splitting the group and those who wished to go to seek out the urn would be with Nemmy. Unsure why he had been included in this conversation Nemmy goes on to explain that the Templars will remain behind to oversee the rebuilding efforts in Redcliff as well as observe the two apostates.

Apostates she had said, not malificar. Surely Cullen would not approve but he doubted the Warden much cared looking at her expression. In the few months since leaving the Circle Nemeria had changed much, become more harsh under the responsibilities but Jowan had to admit it suited her. He had seen her angry a few times but now being free from the circle she could actually do something about it.

* * *

A/N Welcome and thank you for all the lovely reviews and reads. I have been sitting on this chap for a few days trying to decide how to cut it but decided no one would really mind a longer chapter now would they? Cheers! Raven


	5. Chapter 5

His short term fate had been negotiated behind closed doors without Jowan's knowledge. The Templars would remain, as would he until the party seeking out the Urn returned. _If they returned._ Nemmy had found some information from a brother in Denerim making them think that the Urn was in danger somewhere in the Frostback mountains but more than that he had not heard. He did not miss the looks exchanged between the group telling him something was amiss with this secret discovery.

In the years since he had met Nemeria he never knew her to be at all religious. In fact he could recall her specifically showing him ancient tomes she had dug out of the library that alluded to the fact that Andraste might have been a mage and not the bride of The Maker. She had always been more of a history buff than a take things of faith type of mage with little intrest in the whole Chantry justification of the mages permanent seclusion from the world. The fact that she had agreed to lead three other religious humans on a pilgrimage would be hilarious if it wasn't so dangerous and likely to fail.

For Jowan that meant a long stay in limbo, tutoring the boy Connor under the watchful eye of Templars, Knights and the Arlessa when she could tear herself away from her own grief. The Bann Tegan was overseeing much of the repairs to the village and had albeit hesitantly agreed that Jowan should continue to tutor the boy lest he come to more trouble before he could be safely escorted to the Tower.

For that Jowan was immensely grateful. In truth he had come to like the boy and no matter what anyone else thought of him he did feel horrible for what he had done to the boy's father. Connor was a little boy first and a mage second, a key fact that many people outside The Circle tend to forget. In many ways he was envious of the young mage. Being older when his magic developed and from such a well know family it would be hard for the Guerrin's to distance themselves from the boy, if Isolde had any say in the matter that was not going to happen regardless. Very few mages in Ferelden had that luxury.

Nemeria had taken Senior Enchanter Wynne (the old apologist) the bard turned chantry sister Liliana and Ser Gilmore. Nope he did not feel envious about not going with that particular group at all. Part of him wished that she had taken her tag along with her but even while he was working with the Warden's Cullen was a Templar first and would put his duties before his feelings for the mage. Part of Jowan wanted to believe that his dislike for the man was because of this and not a seething jealously. Maybe one day he would be able to convince himself of that.

At first the two Templars had taken turns watching Jowan tutor Conner. Thank the Maker that had only lasted a few weeks. Interestingly enough the other Grey Warden Alistar seemed genuinely interested in what Jowan was teaching the boy about magic and the Fade. Within a few days he was even asking questions that would probably even give the First Enchanter pause. When Jowan asked him about his interest he had just replied that it was nice to hear things from the other side, a surprising open-mindedness that Jowan did not expect to hear from any member of the religious order.

Another interesting addition to Nemmy's group was the Hedge Witch Morrigan. She, the Quanari and the Antivan assassin were all staying as guests of the Arlessa until the rest of their group returned but really did not have much of a specific purpose. She seemed to like nothing more than to needle Jowan and make him stumble over his lessons whenever she was around. It was one thing to dislike the Chantry but it was another to openly question it at every turn just for the pleasure of it.

Before being caught by Templar's south of Lothering Jowan had wanted to flee into the Wilds and maybe meet up with some Chasind . Is this what he would have been subjected to? How he would have had to eek out the rest of his days, living with people like her? On the run from Templars and living amongst bogs and wolves for the chance to be free.

It was over two months before they received word that the party was on their way back. Alistar had come running in to tell Jowan and the two men seemed equally relieved. It was odd to think that Jowan could share a moment of empathy with a man that had once almost made a career of killing men like himself. Much as he loathed to admit it there was something likeable about the tall man.

* * *

_"Jowan."_

_"Jowan. Please."_ Nemeria's voice pleading.

_"Jowan, I need you."_ A sound, almost a sob in the darkness.

It was cold and the wind was blowing the sound of Nemeria's voice. It seemed to be coming from all around at once. Finally off in the distance he saw a red shape off lost in the mist of swiring white and he ran for it.

Her hair was loose and blowing in the wind. She saw him and grinned. He swept her up in his arms and he could feel her heart beating against his chest as the wind swirled around them. The smell of mint and wildflowers asalted him as he placed her back down on her feet.

"Jowan ? It really is you this time isn't it? Please tell me it's you." Her hands on his cheek, rubbing the stubble of his face with those delicate fingers. Her green cat eyes searching his, hopeful but guarded.

"What do you mean? Of course it is me." What in all the worlds was she talking about her.

"I have been trying to get to you. I was so afraid something would happen while I was away the gauntlet must have seen that. But it IS you." He did not think she had ever looked so relieved. Even if he didn't have the faintest idea what she was talking about.

"I don't understand Nemmy. What do you mean you have been looking for me?"

"This is the Fade Jowan. I have been searching for you but I never found you."

Her face pales and she steps away, a realization coming to her. The wind buffering around them seems to become colder and Jowan can feel mana flowing into her . Something about what she said made sense even if he could not enter the Fade himself. Mages could transform the landscape of the Fade themselves unless they were under the influence of another being.

"How do I know it is you?" She demands, her voice almost a snarl. Startled into silence he notices the wind and mana seem to be flowing into the elf as she glares at him. At this distance if she were to cast a spell there would be nothing he could do. He had to convince her somehow.

"Are you afraid?" He asks trying to keep his voice steady and nonthreatening.

"What?" She barks, refusing to budge in case it really was a demon in his guise.

He decides to chance it. He steps in quickly and wraps an arm around her. With his free hand he runs his fingers through her long hair, tucking it behind her ear. An act he had performed countless times when she was much younger and scared in the tower. It was always the one thing he could do to calm her.

"Don't be afraid Nemmy. I'm here."

And with that the wind died away. He felt all the fight go out of her and for a second he was afraid she might faint. Instead she wrapped her arms around his waist. With the sudden silence he could hear her trying to catch her breath.

"Creators Jowan. I could have…..I almost attacked you."

"But you hesitated. Deep down I think you knew."

"Something in the eyes. Your eyes are different than those…." She shuddered and gave him a squeeze before stepping away.

"I am so glad you are safe. But you need to get out of here; there are things in the Fade that seek us out. I'll see you soon. Be careful."

And with that she was gone. For all her talents and gifts Nemeria had apparently forgotten that he was still an apprentice. He had no idea how to transverse the Fade let alone how he had gotten here in the first place.

Wherever here was, was rapidly changing. What had once looked like farmland was turning into the more familiar twisted shapes of the Fade. One large feature was a gnarled oak tree that looked like it had been hit by lighting. It was almost melting into a twisted shape. Whatever power had caused the area to feed off of Nemeria was rapidly shifting back now that she was no longer present. That was his cue to leave.

Thinking back to his lessons about the Fade he knew that mages could shape their landscape and find their way where normal could not. He knew he entered the Fade when he dreamt but could interact in a way others could not. His will here was just as strong as any others provided he harness it correctly.

Taking a deep breath and envisioning the door from the Tower that they had broken down before his escape he felt the energy swirl around him. So this was what it felt like when magic was easy, when it responded to your will with minimal effort. He knew he did not have much time and any use of magic in the Fade increased the likelihood of attracting unwanted attention.

Taking a deep breath and sending off a quick prayer to whatever deity might be listening. He reached out his hand, felt the cool metal handle and stepped through.

* * *

A/N Welcome all and a big thank you to Of Quirky Excellence for all her kind words. I have no real update schedule planned for this but I do have more scenes that I desperately need to work out so bear with me. For now this will be my secondary story (my mass effect magum opus is still giving me fits) but I am enjoying fleshing this out. Cheers! Raven


	6. Chapter 6

Before she was a Grey Warden and defender against the Blight Nemmy had been a charmed mage. Before she had been Irving's star pupil she had been a knobby kneed, gangly mess of a thing. Returning to Redcliff that was what she more closely resembled than the one who had found their saviors final resting place. Her robes were patched and frayed and she gripped her staff with thin hands but she looked so exhausted and sad Jowan's heart chenched up looking at her.

A messenger had come from the village when they had been spotted. Travelers were rare enough these days but three red heads and an older woman made their party easy to spot from afar. The Bann ordered the gates be thrown open and everyone was in attendance. Ser Perth had gone down to escort them back and was talking to Nemmy as Liliana bounced ahead. Ser Gilmore followed and Wynne bringing up the rear.

Upon entering the courtyard the assembled group let out a cheer and Nemeria broke out into a grin and wrapped her arms around Cullen. The Templar's eyes go wide and with an awkward pat on her back he pushes her away. From across the expanse Jowan noticed the red creeping up the man's neck.

"Tis trouble in paradise it would seem." Morrigan chuckled as Nemmy's face fell. The obvious sign of hurt was quickly replaced with a cool (albeit exhausted) calm as she turned to the Bann and the contingent of soldiers. Others might fall of it but Jowan could see the look of hurt just below the surface.

"If I had a woman like that throw herself at me we would have made a hasty exit." The Antivan elf said. No one failed to notice the scowl Gilmore gave to the Templar as Nemmy walked away with Alistar and the Guerrins. The knight came to greet the rest of his companions and the mage took her leave upstairs with Tegan and Isolde.

Jowan was about to comment about how exhausted Nemeria looked when he felt a tug on his robe. Looking down he sees Connor wringing his hands together. All the people in the room had apparently forgotten the lad when the pilgrims had appeared. Worry and apprehension were clearly etched on the boy's face.

"Come on Connor there are enough people here. Let's go to the study and you can show me your new trick." The boy gratefully nodded and followed the Mage out of the crowded room.

* * *

Arl Eamon was awake! Whatever the legends of Andraste said, the healing properties had apparently been enough to save the man. Connor ran upstairs to see his father and Jowan decided to make himself small. Back in the cell for the first time since Nemeria had released him he began to seriously consider his fate. There really was only one option for him, for any known blood mage. Execution. He could run again he supposed. Making it south and west he would probably avoid most of the darkspawn for a time. But running had not helped anything last time and he knew there would be no more chances. He had given his word that he would not run and he planned to at least die honorably.

He must have slept because he woke up leaning against the stone wall sore and very cold. Night had fallen and the one torch that was burning at the stairway was the only residual light left in the dank corridor. But what had woken him? A soft scrapping noise and the shadows move. Of course.

"You don't have to slink in the shadows Nemmy. I'm up."

"Hey you." She came around the corner, smiling as if they had just met at the market. Unceremoniously she leaned against the bars and slid down so she could sit beside him. Hip to hip as they used to read in the library all those years ago.

"You know the door is unlocked." She informed him, pointing at the open cell door. Jowan nods chuckling.

"I thought it was best if I came down here. You know to keep up appearances. Or to make Perth's job easier."

"I was worried you ran." She frowned, looking at him.

"I told you I wouldn't do that again. For all the good it did me." He scowled, did she honestly have such little trust in him. Not that he didn't deserve it but still to hear her say it hurt.

"I know. I wouldn't have blamed you thought. "

They sat in silence unsure of what to say to each other. Despite the grim surroundings Jowan felt oddly at ease. Whatever the morning would bring she had forgiven him and while not enough it was what he would make peace with.

"Oh hey I almost forgot. I have something of yours." Typically Nemmy able to read his moods and break his morose train of thought. She reached into a fold of her robe and pulled out a small red pouch. The same red as her hair ribbon and Jowan knew instantly what it was. How she had managed to get it however was another matter.

"You kept the marbles and jacks from my locker?" He stared at the small fabric bag and poured its contents into his hand. Many hours of memories had been made with these frivolous child playthings. Nemmy had made the pouch out of the ribbon she wore her hair tied in, for a birthday of his God he must have been seven or eight at the time. She had taught him a game that she knew with the jacks which she called burrs (apparently a Dalish game). Simpler games for a simpler time.

"How did you get these?" Given their respective departures from the tower he did not think Nemmy had anything from the tower herself let alone something of his. She gives an odd look and selects a marble from his palm. A larger green-yellow one like a cat's eye that Jowan had selected as hers many years ago. She had never been good with the game but she had liked to play regardless.

"Funny story actually. So after your abrupt departure I had very little time to gather my things and head out with Duncan. You know how I had just been moved upstairs? Well given the events of the day I had totally forgotten that my things were no longer in the appetence dorm. So with Duncan following me I went to your locker instead of going all the way back upstairs and facing ….well everyone."

"So you broke into my locker and stole child playthings. Good first impression Nemeria."

"Hey I knew your combo and I didn't think you would be coming back for anyone…thing." She corrected herself quickly looking away. Rolling the shooter between her thumb and index finger she gives a small laugh.

"Came in handy too. I taught Rory how to play while we were traveling. He beat me wicked too."

"Who? You mean Ser Gilmore? Somehow I find it hard to imagine a Knight playing marbles."

She shrugs still playing with the small objects. In the scant light Jowan can see the hard line of determination on her face but also the dark hollows under her eyes. She was holding something back, another reason she had come down here to find him.

"Nemeria you're hiding something."

"Hypocrite." She sighs and looks at him. "Jowan if I hadn't have helped you in the Tower would you really have left without telling me?" Not a question he had been expecting but given her slip he supposed it had weighed on her more than she had let on.

"Nemmy don't do that." He pleaded. "You were always there for me. Even if you hadn't been involved the Templars would have been suspicious of you, even if they couldn't prove anything. You know what the Tower is like, guilty until proven innocent. You had just passed your Harrowing and had so much to lose." _Which you did._ He wanted to add.

"More than being made tranquil?" She shot back probably more harsh then she had intended because as soon as she saw his expression her own softened. She wraps her arms around his and leans into her shoulder. They settled back into a comfortable silence again, they knew each other and Jowan knew she would talk when she was ready, pushing her would not end well.

"Jowan there are things that I have to do. I don't expect you to understand them but I ask that you accept them. And forgive me." She said into the darkness. Her voice sounded so cold and hollow not at all like the warm, silly elf he had known back at the tower. And it scared him. How could they both be so very different but still act and feel like the same when they were together like this? She made it so easy to forget that he had poisoned a man and she was wanted in a conspiracy to kill the king.

Heavy booted steps coming down the hallway and a torch blind them suddenly. A harsh voice and Jowan's stomach was in his throat. Of all the people to come searching for the Hero or the Malificar it had to be him.

"Nemeria? What in Andraste's holy name are you doing?" Seeing the two mages hip to hip, her arm still wrapped around Jowan's own the other shielding her eyes makes the Templar bristle all the more. The anger coming off the man is palpable. "What are you doing with that …_thing._ He could be using his magic on you. He could be influencing you or much worse. Step away from him." Cullen demands his neck almost purple with anger.

"He is Jowan Cullen in case you forgot and if he was attempting to do anything to me don't you think I would know?" She demanded, standing to face the Templar. "And if he was using his magic to influence me it would be in a hell of a nicer place then a dungeon. At least in your torment we got a cabin by the sea." She places an accusatory finger on the flaming sword of his armor with a plink.

"Still it is…improper. You should not be down here without a guard. " Cullen was visibly startled by Nemeria's outburst. Whatever had transpired between the lovers in the courtyard earlier had been ignored until now.

"Ser Perth knew I was down here. You passed him before the stairs so you knew where I was."

"Nemeria please. Let us not argue about this in front of….him. It is late and the Arl is having council in the morning."

Reluctnatly she nods and turns back to Jowan.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather stay upstairs? I am sure Ror…Ser Gilmore would bunk up with you again."

Jowan shakes his head, afraid to get more involved in this lovers spat.

"Alright well good night then." She frowns and turns back toward the stairs without waiting for the heavy footsteps of the Templar to follow.


	7. Chapter 7

"I hereby conscript Jowan into the Grey Wardens."

The room was absolutely still. The look of shock on faces was almost universal. Jowan was afraid to breath. Could this really be happening? The elf was standing ram-rod straight her face closed off even to him. Was this what she had asked forgiveness for last night?

"Are you sure?" The Arl recovered quickly, trying to keep his face as neutral as the Warden's and failing.

"Yes. I insist." Her green eyes locked on the man on the dais in front of her, blatantly ignoring the two Templars as well as the rest of her party and the knights gathered in the hall.

"So be it. I officially release him to your cause Warden."

And just like that it had happened. The Rite of Conscription was something that everyone knew about but did not like to exercise. Nemeria herself had been conscripted to prevent her from being punished by Gregor after his departure. From what Jowan had gathered so had Alistair but his background was more questionable.

There was to be a celebration that evening down in the town. A celebration to thank the people who had saved their Arl as well as rid them of the evils that had tormented their town. He doubted they had been told what had actually caused the attacks but still the people wanted to forget their sorrows and this was their due. It would be held in front of the Chantry that evening and even Jowan was told he would be expected to attend. Not that he didn't feel awkward enough staying in the man's house now that he was awake but he was sure Connor had put in a good word to his father in addition to Nemmy's little stunt earlier to spare his life.

Speaking of which he had not seen her since the meeting but he had been allowed to walk outside on his own for the first time since all this began. Small steps he told himself. Walking the courtyard he could see the village down below putting up flowers and streamers. At sunrise he had expected it to be his last day on this world and by sundown he would be drinking and celebrating his new found position as a Grey Warden. Full circle in less than a day.

"And where is the hero of the hour?" Morrigan asks drinking a mug that the serving girl Bella had brought over. Roland and Wynne had already made their appearance and gotten to listen to the Reverend Mother compare them to saints from the Chant. By Liliana and Nemeria were nowhere to be seen. Zeveran grins and leans forward conspiratorially.

" Apparently our lovely ladies were having some issues with the dress."

"Maker's breath not with the clothes again." Rory grabs a mug and sits besides Jowan, rolling his eyes. Apparently Liliana had made her disapproval of Ferelden garb well known in their travels.

"Well she does have a bit of an infatuation yes? And our lovely Warden apparently did not have much that would please either the bard or the Arlessa. Perhaps she should have sooner borrowed from you my dear?" Zeveran gives a glance to Morrigan's usual outfit and they both laugh.

"I would have allowed it just so I could see the expression on both the Bard as well as the Templar." She admits.

"So tell us sir Knight how was it to travel with those two succulent fruit into the cold, cold mountains." Zeveran arches an eyebrow at Roland with a knowing expression.

"I am not sure what you mean my friend. I mean the three ladies were all rather bundled." Roland apparently made a good job of playing the innocent knight.

"Oh come off it Gilmore. We really only have room for one innocent moron with a sword and Alistar and the other Templar have to take turns at it." The Swamp witch gives a small smile.

"Besides we all know that Liliana prefers the company of other women. What better time to explore that then cold weather camping with a flower recently free from the tower."

"You say that because she rebuffed you Zeveran."

"Well yes but that goes without saying. I was merely curious if that interest was discovered without the disapproving gaze of a rough around the edges Templar." Apparently the Crow did not care for Cullen much either Jowan was happy to learn.

"Nothing I am going to say is going to dissuade you Zeveran so I will let you stick to your fantasies and I will have my memories." The Knight gives a smug smile.

"My, my you have been hanging out too much with the Warden with a response like that. Whatever will Alistair do now?" Morrigan chuckles but the two men have their eyes drawn up the path toward the chantry where two figures are heading toward them.

"Oh you lucky lucky dog you." Zeveran complains at Roland but his eyes remain fixed on the approaching figures. They all stand as the crowd notices the two women in noble attire.

"Makers breath you two look beautiful." Roland kisses the hand of both ladies and gives a wink to Zeveran. Liliana titters and gives Nemmy a meaningful look. The elf while looking beautiful looks much more uncomfortable about all the attention. Something about how she was moving was also off, and it took Jowan all but three second to realize she was about six inches taller and walking like a water bird. Apparently the bard's shoe fetish had somehow gotten dumped on the mage as well.

The Arlessa must have had a great many gowns if the two girls' clothes were a reflection of it. Nemmy was in a sea blue while Liliana was in cream and red. But the bard had not stopped there. Both girls had makeup on and their hair down. On Liliana the effect was subtle, enhancing the already cute girl but on Nemeria the effect was transformative. Never one for makeup or fussing over her looks she could have been another person if not for the sideways smirk that peeked out every once in a while.

Jowan was holding his breath, staring at her without realizing it. Her hair was down and Jowan had always thought that was one of her best features. Deep red unlike Lilliana or Roland's strawberry blonde it reached down to her thighs when let out and had been slightly curled at the ends but otherwise left alone. Her green eyes had been lined with a light blue that brought attention to the shifting color of them but again not excessively ornate. It was not overly done and with her high cheekbones and small nose it worked well.

"You are only slightly more subtle than the elf." Morrigan broke his train of thought.

"Well if I started at her like that she would kill me." Jowan answered sounding more resentful than he had really meant to.

"Do not be so sure. She did just go to a lot of trouble to make sure you were not killed. "She pauses and indicates the Arl and Alistar chatting. "But then again we did take the Templar who almost ran her through and then claimed she was a temptress demon. And the dog so maybe she just has a soft spot for worthless mongrels that will get her into trouble. How else can you explain Alistar."

Jowan had never seen so much alcohol in his whole life. While the Tower was known for making its fair share of various brews most of it was exported. Here it seemed every time he turned around there was another type of drink for him to taste or a toast to be had and he was positive there was going to be many many people looking for hangover cures in the morning.

It was well after dark and the bonfire had been lit so the party could continue. If anything now that the women and children had retired for the evening it was becoming more enthusiastic. Jowan had never been to an event where there were dwarves, elves and even a Quanari all mingled in with the humans. He wondered if this was what it felt like to be free. It was wonderfully liberating and terrifying at the same time.

"You know you may wish to make your affections known before it is too late." Morrigan seemed to be holding her liquor better than most. Either that or she got so much satisfaction about making others around her miserable that she could will herself sober when it was appropriate.

"I wish everyone would stop saying that. She is my best friend, besides she has been in love with Cullen for years now." His head felt fuzzy but he was not about to admit his feelings about Nemeria to this evil witch.

"I was not referring to the eunuch Templar." She gestures over to the steps of the Chantry.

Jowan made a slight gurgling noise in his throat in surprise. If the scene had not been so strange before it would have been hilarious now. More than a few of the villages who all thankfully seemed well on their way to being drunken outdoor furniture had also noticed the small gathering of would be heroes receiving their adoration.

Nemeria was standing beside the Bann who has one of her hands between his two. Jowan could tell even from across the expanse and in the firelight that the elf was blushing to the tips of her now red ears. The Arl and Arlessa both looked mortified and Alistar looked decided uncomfortable.

_What in Andraste's name?_

Circling around the fire Jowan tries to get a better look. The Arlessa looked as if she had swallowed a live toad and Eamon had taken a step to intercede. Apparently the adoration and alcohol had given Teagan liquid courage.

"Our dear hero. Never before have I seen one so brave or so lovely. To stand with us in our time of need and save so many. Truly your beauty and poise are likened to Andraste herself. Any man would be blessed to have you at his side in such dark days." Teagan still held on to Nemeria's hand with a drunken grip but Eamon stepped in trying to save face for his younger brother.

"Yes you speak well of our hero brother. But do not forget to share her, there are many who wish yet to thank her personally." He gives both Wardens an apologetic look at steers his brother way. Jowan did not fail to notice the Templar slinking away. Good, he thought to himself. The man did not own Nemeria anymore then he did. In the months since leaving the tower she had made that abundantly clear.

It had taken a while for Nemmy to regain herself after Teagan's attempt at wooing. Jowan had kept an eye out for Cullen but the mage hunter had apparently had enough of the night's festivities and returned to the castle. Roland had made it a point of making Nemeria feel more at ease, apparently he had pulled her aside and was making the rounds with her to the villagers. Much as Jowan hated to admit it he liked the tall man and how he treated Nemmy. Soon they were laughing and talking much more at ease.

Someone had managed to track down a lute for Liliana and the girl had descended on it with a passion. Roland bowed deeply and swept Nemmy into a dance around the bonfire and he could hear her lighthearted laughter across the courtyard. It was funny to see the tall armored man trying to take smaller strides for her to keep put and by the end of the song she was out of breath.

"Allow me to cut in?" Jowan tapped Roland on the shoulder and he could almost swear the knight winked at him as he let Jowan stand in. The firelight reflected off the yellow flecks in Nemeria's eyes and the exertion and liquor made the apples of her cheeks very bright.

_Being outside suits her. Her tan has given her freckles._

"Oh hey! There you are." Nemmy steps into his arms without hesitation. The smell of sweet wine and perfume does not mask her usual sent of mint and wildflowers.

"I have to admit. I don't know what we are dancing." He looks to Liliana suddenly very self-conscious.

"Something slow I hope." She pants. "I'm very drunk." She admits as if it was a secret.

"Really?! I couldn't have guessed."

"Oh shudup." She laughs leaning into him. "Did you come here just to make fun of me? In that case I want Rory back." She pretended to pout.

Seeing it not working she sighs and puts her head on his shoulder waiting for the music to start back up again. Taking the opportunity to catch her breath she hums the past song happily into his neck. Yes very drunk indeed.

"Thank you by the way. I know the decision couldn't have been easy for you." Maker this had seemed so much easier watching Gilmore do it.

"Oh it was actually. I need you." Her voice came up from his neck. Drunk honesty at its finest.

_I need you. Like she had said in the fade._

He held her close and sighed. He literally owed his life to her what more did there need to be. The music picked up again, this time thankfully a slower number and she grinned at him that smile that light up her whole face that she saved only for him.


	8. Chapter 8

"Uggghhhhhh .going to die." A tiny ball complained in Nemmy's voice from the bed.

"No one told you to drink so much last night." Jowan rubbed her back. Somehow he had gotten elected to see if Nemmy was alright after last night's celebration. Not her lover the Templar who had left without saying anything. Not the bard who had made her play dress up and handed her off to Ferelden nobility, but him the mage who she had saved from an execution.

"You need to get up. The Arl and Bann need to talk to you."

"Ugh I can't face Teagan after last night! And like this" The pillow exclaims and Jowan feels the mage underneath dry heave.

"Hey cheer up when this is all over you may just become a Bann's mistress. All you have to do is defeat the blight." And with that the pillow came hurtling at his face as he knew it would. He kept it and stood up. Out of reach of the hand groping blindly at the now empty space on the bed.

A small white ball came flying at Jowan and pegged him on the shoulder and exploded into small bits of snow on the carpet. Ohh she was playing dirty now.

"No fair using magic. If you don't come out I won't give you some of my famous hangover cure licorice." He warned in a sweet sing-song voice. He had always been the one to make potions and medicinal cures.

A small hand palm up displayed expectantly. He chuckled and obliged putting two small black lumps in the waiting hand. A few moments later Nemmy appears with a sour look on her face. She HATED the taste of licorice but knew they worked from many previous experiences. He chuckled at her expression, she managed to look both like a child and annoyed simultaneously.

"Uch you purposely made them taste even worse!" She gripped, wrapping the blanket over herself.

"No I made them strong. And you ate them two at a time." He pointed out. "

"What time is it anyway?"

"Almost noon, even the Arlessa is looking for you." At that Nemmy makes a face.

"Probably to make sure I have no plans on her precious Teegan" She raises her voice in a mock of the Orlesan accent. Then a look darkens her features.

"Hey Jowan…?"

"Yes?"

"Did you really?...you know?" She looked curious and uncomfortable at the same time. And he had no idea what she was talking about.

"Did I what?"

"You know, with the Arlessa."

"What?! No! Where would you have gotten a crazy idea like that."

She fidgets uncomfortably. An interesting sight considering she was still a bundle of cloth with an elven head popping out.

"Nemeria." He gave her that serious look that she hated.

"I heard it in town from the villagers. Before I knew it was you. Honest!"

He shakes his head. He had an idea who had started that particular rumor. The Arlessa's maid was known for having a flair for the dramatic and had seen them talking about Connor more than once. He had also seen the girl thanking Nemmy last night at the party with a beaded man probably her father.

With a quick tug he pulls the blanket off Nemmy . She lets out a surprised yelp and throws death glares at him as he begins folding up the cover. Nemmy was in a borrowed white shirt probably one of Gilmore's or Cullens he noted grimly but there was little else of personal effects in the room to indicate anyone else had been here. Even the mabari she had adopted had slept out in the hall the past night. She balled herself up under the shirt.

"Come on now or I will get the Bann to come in here himself to get you." He threatened, placing the blanket on top of an armoire in the corner.

"You wouldn't!" She pulls on the hem of the shirt as if the man was already in the room. She was blushing already.

"Not if you are dressed in your own clothes and bathing within the hour." He wags a finger at her.

"You are evil you know." Her way of accepting the ultimatum. She huffs and extends her palm again expectantly.

"Uh what?" He looks at her perplexed.

"Rose Candies." She demands. Grimacing as she swallows the last of the sticky substance.

"Makers breath Nemeria. I have been under guard for better part of a week. What makes you think I have any?" Exasperation in his voice.

" Cuz you wouldn't have given me licorice unless you had some."

He bends over the bed and ruffles her already messy hair affectionately. With his other hand he produces a small pouch which he hands over. Something never change.

* * *

"I appicate your kind words Teagan but the truth remains I am an elf as well as a mage. I am not a fitting partner for any noble even if my responsibilities did not lie with the Grey Wardens."

Roland and Jowan were not exactly eavesdropping. It was not their fault that their room was next door to the study where Nemmy was talking to the Bann, Arl and Alistair. Most of their conversation could not be overheard but with the hangover Nemeria had her voice tended to carry a bit more than it otherwise would.

"You want me to what?!" Alistair's voice carrying now.

"Alistair please." She groaned and Jowan could visualize her rubbing the bridge of her nose. "You wanted us to go to the Arl so he could set up the Landsmeet. He is right; we can't risk the last of the Therin line. You followed me because you trusted my decision. You trust Arl Eamon , trust us now to do what is best, even if it is not what you want.

Jowan looked at Roland shocked but the knight merely nodded his head to say he knew. Most of the rest of the conversation was low enough that they could not hear it After a little white Gilmore began to gather his pack polish his sword. Apparently his attention waned.

A little more than an hour later they were all gathered in the Great Hall. It was odd to see Nemeria address her rag-tag bunch and realize he himself was now a part of that.

"I know you are eager to get underway. But the time has come for our large party to diverge. We all know that Logain and his forces are aware of our movements. We also know that he will stop at nothing to get what he wants. To that end we must separate the two remaining Grey Wardens. As you may or maynot know Alistair is the second son of the late King Marric. Because of this it is not safe for him fighting the darkspawn if we are to unite Ferelden. To that end he will continue east to Rainesfere with Bann Teagan. I have asked Wynne and Liliana to accompany him and they both have agreed. I open it up to you all now. If anyone else would go with him speak now." She pauses taking a breath and looking to Alistair for the first time now that her little speech was done.

Roland was the first to move. With purpose he kneels in front of the elves feet. His arm crossed his chest and head bowed.

"Nemeria, I swore myself to you and your cause. While Alistair is a good and noble friend I ask that I remain with you."

And so it went. Zeveran also had sworn his services to Nemmy personally while Sten and Morrigan were more concerned with the direct effects of the blight and not the politics of the country. Finally Cullen stepped forward. Jowan noticed that Nemmy's face tightened as she made an effort to keep it clear from any emotion. He knew better.

"Three mages will need a Templar escort. I …pledge myself to your cause, Grey Warden." He managed not to stutter, to the man's credit. But he also did not look up to meet her gaze. Somehow in the time since leaving the tower either Jowan had lost his ability to read her expression or she had become very good at keeping it blank. Somehow he suspected the later.

* * *

A/N Crazy week and somehow the fantasy bug has bit me hard. I also seem to be having problems with FF doc and my pc not playing nice so I apologize in advance for any missing words or bad copy overs. The spelling errors are all me sadly and I hope to iron those out sometime soon. Feed back always loved!-Raven


	9. Chapter 9

**Smother the feeling inside**

**never washes away all the thoughts that you can't deny**

**mental suffering**

**except for the past you have no one to blame**

**we're chipping away at what we should be**

**but its killing me**

**Smile when you look at me**

**showing me what you think I want to see**

**I dream when the time will be**

**where you will show me your insanity**

**til then I'll simply just wait**

**Close to me**

**you come close to me**

**strangling me with your eyes**

**to help you release all the fear that you have inside**

**from all of the abuses**

**the blood on your sleeve is**

**from my heart in your hands**

**tearing away all that once was me**

**always killing me**

**tear away**

**Heart in your Hands Sevendust**

On the third night of their journey Jowan woke to the sound of Nemeria screaming. At first he thought it was a nightmare that he could not quiet remember but the hard, cold ground told him this was very, very real. Was it bandits? Were they being attacked? He jolted up out of bed and saw Ser Gilmore who had been on watch with a hard look on his face but his sword was not drawn.

Barely getting to his feet Jowan saw the knight get Alistair from the other side of the camp and they headed to the lean-to Nemmy had set up for the night when they made camp.

"Next they will be getting the old woman, as if she can do anything either." Morrigan was roused as well. Jowan had taken to camping a bit further off from the main group as did the witch and he found she was slightly less insurable now that they were outside of the town.

"What is going on? Is she alright?" He tried to keep his voice even.

"Tis the taint." She shook her head as if that explained anything. " From what I have gathered all Grey Wardens get visions of the archdemon, Alistair said that those who join during a Blight have it worse and I suspect, though there is no one to confirm this that mages or those connected to the Fade have it worse still."

"So this has happened before." He thought back to when they had arrived in Redcliff, Nemmy had been soaked in blood of those things that had inhabited the castle but her eyes were hollow and empty. The same look when she had returned to Redcliff. Haunted.

"Worst that I have seen was right after your tower. She refused to speak of it however so I suggest you not bring it up lest you wish to have a powerful mages ire."

The two parties would be splitting in another day or two. The Warden and their group would break away and head south looking for a Dalish clan where Alistair and the Bann would turn north returning to the Bannorn until the Landsmeet could be assembled.

Several hours later Jowan again woke. Eventually he would get used to sleeping outdoors but not yet. The sound of footfalls stirred him and he could hear light scrapping of leather on soft earth. Rolling over on his side he can make out the small shape of Nemmy circling the camp, the top of her staff glowing a pale greenish. Slipping out of his bedroll careful not to disturb the others he watches her.

"It never gets old does it?" She asks without turning.

"What's that?"

"The wind in the trees, all the stars in the sky. All the things I used to dream about when we were in the tower and now every night I can just get lost in it all." The moonlight reflected off her eyes as she turned toward him with a soft smile. Without a word the staff went dark and they were illuminated only by the silver light of the clear moonlight. The natural light much less harsh on the shadows under her eyes.

"Why aren't you sleeping?

"Sent Roland to sleep. I was up anyway, no point in both of us losing sleep." She shrugs, her large eyes still scanning the heavens above.

"Nemmy we are traveling with almost two dozen. You don't have to take guard duty. The Bann has soldiers."

"Don't lecture me now too. Wynne and Alistair were having second thoughts about splitting up. Like they can change anything. "

"Is that why we are headed to the Dalish before Orzammar? You think they may know something useful don't you?"

"One of the reasons." She admits and then sighs. A deep sigh of exhaustion and troubled thoughts." I don't know Jowan, it's not like Duncan left me a manual before Ostagar. I really am making all this up as I go along." She admits.

"But look how far you have come. Don't sell yourself short Nemmy. No one else could have managed to do this. Even Alistair."

"He likes you, you know. " She gives a small laugh. "I guess you made an impression while I was away. Or else I never would have been able to get away with it." "It" being allowed to recruit a blood mage into their fold. She begins starting her rounds again and he falls in stride silently.

"He's a good man. So is Gilmore. Even Liliana and the assassin seem like good people. You found great people, you just have a way about you." It had been true in the tower and it served her well here. He avoided mention of the Quanari, the swamp witch, and even her Templar for obvious reason.

"I found you again." She gives a smile.

"And Cullen." He points out, desperately trying to keep the bile out of his voice.

"Jowan I don't expect you to understand but if you had seen the tower…."

"No Nemeria stop. " He touches her shoulder and she turns toward him quizzically.

" Morrigan told me about the tower. I cannot even image what it must have been like. I don't blame you for taking him away from there. It is just in your nature to care for those close to you, look how far you stuck your neck out for me. I just hope he appreciates it. I know I do."

Her brows knit and he could tell she was thinking something unpleasant. No doubt the memories of her childhood home in ashes still haunted her, his betrayal, even her narrow escape at Ostagar. The past half year had been filled with more trials than the decade before in the tower. But somehow she had defied the odds each time and come out stronger for each.

_Stop that _He chided himself. He was making it harder on himself and he knew it.

Nothing he did would make his chest feel less tight when he saw the sorrow that had never been present behind her eyes before. Nothing he could say would make the guilt he felt about his connection to all of it go away. Not now at least. That would take him much longer but now she had given him the one thing he needed to make amends for all his mistakes.

Time.

* * *

A/N Going to be trying a bit different style. Also the story will (hopefully) be linear but nonconsecutive because we have all played the game and I don't want to retell it that way. Soo if you have any scenes or convos that you think must be in story give me a message and maybe it will get my muses going :)


	10. Chapter 10

**If I could find assurance to leave you behind**  
**I know my better half would fade**  
**And all my doubt is a staircase for you**  
**Up and Out of this Place**  
**The first step is the one you believe in**  
**The second one might be profound.**

**I'll follow you down through the eye of the storm**  
**Don't worry I'll keep you warm.**  
**I'll follow you down while we're passing through space**  
**I don't care if we fall from grace**  
**I'll follow you down**

**I'll follow you- Shinedown**

When the two groups split it was an awkward but thankfully brief affair. Jowan felt much better that there were a dozen or so less swords ready to cut him down. But that also meant that they would be able to travel that much faster. And without as many of those swords should they inevitably encounter trouble.

"What do you mean a _side trip_?" Cullen glared at Jowan and Morrigan distrustfully before letting his hardened gaze come back to Nemeria.

Something in the man had certainly changed since his ordeal in the tower. Where he once could barely string a sentence together in the elf's presence he now had a barely veiled anxiety whenever he had to listen to their unusual trips across the countryside. Jowan was not the only one to notice the tension between the two but up until now no one had spoken about it since the celebration back at Redcliff.

"We are going into the Wilds to defeat a powerful apostate mage. I thought you would be very interested in helping." Nemmy pressed her lips together until they were white. She was not in a mood to baby the Templar and if this was going to be how he acted in front of the others it was going to be a very long trip to track down the Dalish. Maker knew she had tried to keep her hurt from his actions hidden, she still had little patience for him trying to lecture her like a school child.

"Track down one apostate for another apostate. In the middle of the Wilds during a darkspawn invasion." He countered.

"I am a Grey Warden, we will avoid most of the hoard. Since Lothering they have largely moved on."

"This is not what you told the Bann or Alistair we would be doing." Was that a hint of a whine in the armored man's voice? Part of Jowan should feel a grim satisfaction at that but instead it built a ball of dread in his stomach for reasons he could not quite identify.

"I am not asking permission Cullen." She snapped. "If you are so concerned about Darkspawn stay at the camp and make sure the Tranquil and Bodan are safe." She waved him off before pulling out another map.

"This is not proper use of our time Nemeria." He stood trying one more last ditch attempt.

"Then go back to the tower and file a complaint with _Gregior_."

Something in her tone was ice when she said the Knight Commanders name. Jowan looked to Roland and the others but saw they were just as clueless as he. They all sensed they were in the middle of a lovers spat that was about to get even uglier. Thankfully the Templar knew when he was beat and nodded his head before returning to his tent to pray. He seemed to do that more and more as of late.

"So now my dear woman please tell me how we are supposed to defeat a living legend for her darling daughter…." Zeveran said with a laugh.

* * *

The plan was simple. So simple that it was almost inevitable that something would find a way to screw it up. They were traveling a bit late into dusk when the poorly laid ambush was sprung. Within the first few seconds most of the party had realized that the thirty or so people attacking them were not hired mercenaries or professional killers. They were Chasined and refugees, bedraggled and desperate enough to try to take on the much smaller group of well-armed people.

"Refugees! Broad side of the blade!" Nemeria screamed from the middle of the mob. She always had to be in the midst of a fight and it drove Jowan nuts. Nemmy had always been much better at area spells where he much preferred typical spells cast from a distance. The downside of course was that many of these spells needs to be cast as closer ranges. Her personal favorite ice spells always made her charge into blade reach.

Closer to him and towering above the others is the wall of a man they called Sten. Not sure what Nemmy initially meant he noticed the Quanari grunt and begin turning his sword sending men flying but not dismembering them with the wide strokes of his sword. Roland seemed to be favoring his shield knocking men off their feet as well.

Suddenly the hairs on the back of Jowan's neck were standing on end. Instinctively he knew what was next and his eyes went to Nemmy just as her staff went high into the air. All at once the winds seemed to be coming from all around and the temperature dropped. Apparently in her time away from the tower her elemental abilities had only gotten stronger as the snow began to fall and lightening streaked the suddenly darkening sky.

The effect on the normally superstitious common folk was instantaneous. Those who were not immediately struck by the pelting snow and rain began to cower from the apparent onslaught from the weather. The skies themselves had opened up and many were knocked off balance on the now slick ground. It made it all the easier for Sten and Roland to knock the men off their feet or those who were more aggressive unconscious so they were no longer a threat.

Like in the Fade Jowan could feel the pull of mana coming off of Nemmy and he could only imagine the sheer amount it took to power the storm. Squinting against the blowing wind he could make out the shape of Nemmy as those who could get to their feet did so and bolted. Just behind the elf he managed to make out a large shape with a two handed blade swinging at her from the mist of the storm.

"Nemmy!" Jowan screamed into the wind but he feared it would not get to her. She must have heard because she looked up and then turned just in time for the pommel of the massive weapon to connect with her temple sending her crumbled to the ground.

"Fiend!" Cullen roared. His eyes were wide and glassy even from Jowan's distance. A look of terror he had never seen in anyone's eyes "Anathema! I see you for what you are."

The Templar was surprisingly agile for his heavy plate. Thank the Maker that the heavy weapon took a time to bring back around. As Cullen in his flashback was ready to land a blow on the unconscious elf a blur of silver and blue knocks the man off balance and the heavy sword does the rest of the work. Before he can regain his balance an image of a laurel wreath heraldry sends him off balance again.

A shield Jowan realizes belatedly. Specifically Roland's Cousland shield. The winds are beginning to die down and the visibility increases as the snow settles. The pull of mana still powers the spell even as the caster lies in a heap on the ground. He and Zeveran have made their way to the scuffle as Roland drops his shield and pins Cullen against a large tree.

"Maker so help me Cullen I swore myself to protecting her and that includes from YOU." Jowan had never seen the knight so angry. Actually he had never seen the knight angry period. Cullen's eyes suddenly blinked once, twice and then looked at the man who had a gauntlet across his throat as if confused who had they gotten there. Roland must have seen the look of confusion in the Templars eyes because he dropped the man with grunt of disgust before turning to the rest of the dumbfound party.

"Zeveran bind him. Sten kept watch. "He turns to where Nemmy was lying. The knight had managed to throw a fully armored man against a tree but leaning down he scooped up Nemeria with the gentleness of a kitten. He motioned for Jowan and Morrigan to follow.

Morrigan was running her fingers over a thin gold chain as Jowan rolled out her sleeping bag for Roland to place her down. She had not woken yet and that was not a good sign. Roland looks at Morrigan expectantly but she looked almost upset.

"I am no healer." She admitted. She had gotten the first aid kit that the party carried with them but both their eyes went to Jowan. He nodded and knelt down beside the still woman what else could he do?

The knot where the pommel had hit her was big but did not look like it needed stitching. Her pulse was steady as was her breathing even if a little shallow. He turned to Rory and tried to give his best nonworried voice.

"She is all right just knocked out cold. We won't get any farther today so we will need to camp. I'll keep an eye on her and let you know."

Roland nodded and asked Morrigan to help him set up camp. Within a few moments Nemmy's tent was set up around them and the two walked off in the direction of the others. He could hear the others heated discussion but he knew he had more immediate concerns.

"Come on Nemmy, open those beautiful green eyes." He brought a lantern closer to her face and she flinched away, a good sign. Her breathing was more regular now but he knew she needed to be woken, much as he wanted to let her sleep after the blow she had taken. He took some of the ice Morrigan had made and wrapped it in bandages before putting it on the massive welt. She whined softly and turned her head away.

As she turned her head a glimmer of metal around her neck caught his attention. Reaching with careful hands he pulled a thin chain out of her robe. Never one for jewelry Nemeria did not even have her ears pierced. Jowan was not entirely surprised to see the chain was much to long for the elf and obviously made for a man. A thin silver medallion of the Andrastean sunburst not the flaming sword of the Templars. Still there could be only one who would have given her such a token.

"How am I going to explain to you what just happened?" He mused aloud looking down at the pained expression on the mage. "Sorry the man you have been sleeping with for years went a little nuts and tried to cut you in half because you learned a new spell. So sorry." Jowan moved the ice and saw Nemmy's eyes flutter before slowly coming open.

Her eyes did not open fully and they took a while to focus so Jowan moved the lantern further away. His movement must have jostled the icepack because she inhaled sharply and her eyes came more focused with the pain.

"H…Hey you." She tried to give a faint smile.

"Morning sleeping beauty. How are you feeling?" He felt the sides of her cheek and motioned for her to stay lying down when she tried to get up feebly. Her eyes were not focused properly and he pointed a finger to try to get her to follow.

" Hazy, also a weird ringing noise" She admitted. "And there are spots." She winced and looked up at him with deliberate concentration. "Concussion?" She sighed.

"One hell of one but you should be better in a few days if you take it easy. And you need to stay awake for the next half day or so." Her pupils were finally returning to normal and he helped her raise her head slightly.

"Did….did we get um?" She stammered finally, gritting her teeth in as much annoyance as pain.

"Who?"

"The one who sucker shot me."

_Trauma of course she doesn't remember…Well fuck._

"He …he is restrained. I should tell Gilmore that you are awake. I'll be right back. Don't try to move."

"Dun….don't worry, would fall over." She flinched as she took the icepack from him.

_ Great now what?_


	11. Chapter 11

"Parshaara!" Sten growled as Jowan approached the group. It appeared they were still hotly discussing the turn of events. "If he can no longer control himself he is as bad as the bas saarebas and must be treated as such!" The Quanari growled at Gilmore. Apparently, Sten wanted to execute Cullen immediately.

Jowan cleared his throat and Roland came over.

"She is awake…but we might have another small problem."

"Better than another 300 kilo problem." Roland grumbled his eyes glancing back to the Quanari.

"I'm not so sure." He admitted. "She has a concussion to be sure….and with that no memory of what caused it."

"Oh. Well then." Rory frowned, rubbing the back of his neck.

Jowan was once again glad that Gilmore was not the archetypal muscle head Knight and had taken over leadership as soon as he saw Nemmy go down. He glanced past the knight at the small group, Morrigan, Sten and Zeveran were all standing in the middle of camp. It seemed since the skirmish with the refugees no one had set a watch. Also no one appeared to be with the Templar.

"No one is watching Cullen?"

"I checked on him after we set up camp. He is…better? He hasn't said anything other than prayers since Morrigan told him what happened. He asked how she is and Demon is guarding, it is the damnest thing I have ever seen." He hooks a gloved hand in the direction of the tent where the Templar was apparently being held.

"The dog is guarding him?" Jowan knew mabari were supposed to be smart but that seemed to be beyond understanding. He also knew the dog was fiercely protective of his mistress so how the hound had managed not to set upon the Templar and somehow became guardian was both fortitidous and impressive in equal measure.

"More like keeping an eye on us and how we treat him. He actually snapped at Sten when they were arguing his fate."

"She is going to want to see him you know. We can hold it off for a day or so but she won't let anyone do anything without at least talking to him first." Jowan watched the knight nod looking to the tent behind him where Nemmy was.

"I should go check on her. Could you… I don't know see if Cullen is …hell I don't know if he is him."

Jowan had not been expecting that.

"And say what exactly? We are not exactly friends."

"No one is. But you have known him for years haven't you? He is tied down so you do not have to worry about that. And the mabari likes you well enough.

"Alright I will look in on him at least." Jowan acquiesced and Rory looked very relieved as he nodded thanks before heading off to check on Nemmy.

Circling the others, he walked to where the skirmish had happened. The ground was still muddy and the snow was just beginning to melt. So many footsteps but so little blood, it was actually quite impressive and Jowan knew next to nothing about combat. He noticed the small boot prints besides the much deeper ones that were ground into the mud and pawprints all around. Damn Nemmy needing to be in the thick of battle she was right next to him when she set that spell off.

Spell combinations was not something usually taught to appetences. Most discovered them by accident during their own training but the pull of mana that Nemeria had managed was something he had never seen before but had heard about senior enchanters using a similar method. Spell might they called it, additional casting power from the fade being pulled into the real world and an on edge Templar sensitive to the flow of mana had been besides her when she had done it.

_"You have to be careful with Cullen_." He had warned her after the fade.

_"He would never hurt me." _But she had not met his gaze. She never could lie to him. She had been acting more confident then she had been.

"_You trust to soon and too quickly."_ Irving had scolded her when she had wanted to send Jowan into the Fade.

The First Enchanter had been more right then he knew. Nemeria always wanted to see the best in people and it had cost her. What was he supposed to say to the Templar? Glad you didn't kill your girlfriend but now you have a witch, a crow, and a Quanari that want to disembowel you. But don't worry I will take good care of her after you are gone because this is the chance I wasted all the years ago?

He was outside the tent and heard a clink of armor from within. The Templar was awake and knew someone was there. Soft padded footfalls and a low woof was the mabari's acknowledgement as Jowan entered and absentmindedly patted the hounds head.

"All men are the Work of our Maker's Hands,  
From the lowest slaves  
To the highest kings.  
Those who bring harm  
Without provocation to the least of His children  
Are hated and accursed by the Maker."

The Templar's head was bowed and he was of course praying, his hands bound behind, around the center support of the tent. Demon had retreated to the far side of the tent, lying down but his paws out and chest still up at attention as he watched the two humans who in one form or another belonged to his mistress.

Jowan shifted his weight until he was sure the Templar heard him. Finishing his recitation the man opened his eyes that were rimmed red. (Had he been crying?). He looked startled for a moment but not angry.

"You." The surprise in his voice. "Is she awake?" His eyes soften a mix of shame and guilt until Jowan nods. His head drops with relief and whispers, "Andraste be praised!"

"Did she? Does she know..Gilmore wouldn't tell me anything" Jowan was almost feeling sympathy for the man. Was this why Roland had seemed so unsure? Jowan sighs taking a breath before deciding how to continue. He certa

"She just woke up and is very disoriented. She has a concussion so she won't be up for at least a day." He saw the fear in the blond man's eyes return so he hastily added. "But I expect she will make a full recovery."

The Templar's shoulders fell and Jowan could swear the corners of the man's eyes glittered with unshed tears for a few second making the mage feel all the more awkward. He glanced over at the hound who was sitting there like a statue only the deep brown eyes moving between the two men.

"Thank you Jowan. I know you did it for Nemeria but if you had not been here I shudder to think what could have happened. It seems Nemeria's faith was well placed."

How much did it have to hurt the Templar to thank a blood mage for tending to his lover, Jowan could only image. The kindest words Cullen had spoken to him in well, ever. But now the man even in his armor seemed small and defeated. He had to say something.

"Roland is with her now. She does not remember what happened. I..I didn't tell her."

He exited soon after feeling there was not much more to say. He was by no means an ally of the Templar. The man had been one of the first to say Jowan should be executed. He went back to Nemmy's tent and was faced with a very pale and sour looking Warden and a tired looking Rory. As soon as she saw him however her face light up.

"Jowan! Rory won't let me up! I told him I am fine the dizziness went away." She gave her best pout face at the knight.

"And then you started speaking Elvish to me Nemmy. You should just relax." He was rubbing Nemmy's hand absentmindedly and Jowan felt only the briefest flash of jealously.

"I can at least make ice or potions or something since I have to stay awake anyway. Just sitting here all night will drive me batty!" She pleaded to the men.

"I'll leave you in Jowan's care and get you both some supper."

The knight stands and pushes a lock of hair behind her hair affectionately before leaving. And Jowan leans over to check Nemmy's pupils and notices that the knot has started to bruise and the ice was melted into the cloth.

"So what is the prognosis doctor? Will your patient live? Will she ever dance the Remmigold again?"

"Considering I've seen you dance I think a knock on the head might be an improvement." He chuckles. She certainly was in a mood but if that was a result of the blow to the head or being told she has to lie still for a whole day remained to be seen.

"Very funny. Can I at least sit up now? "He nodded and helped her up but he noticed she keep her arm around his waist to steady herself. Vertigo was to be expected.

"Thank you for everything. I don't think I said that before, in between my whining." She gave a half smile.

"No need. Taking care of you is part of my job description somewhere after wetnurse and potions master."

"Oh like I never took care of you when you were sick!" She said with mock annoyance. "Like when you had the measles and no one would go near you? She looks at him seriously. "How is he?" Her hand goes to the thin silver chain Jowan had noticed before. Typically Nemeria to be more concerned with the idiot who attacked her than herself.

"I thought you didn't remember what happened." He sounded harsher then he intended. But the hurt in Nemmy's face made him instantly regret it.

"At first I didn't, but Rory is really bad at evading questions. And I would like to think…." She chews her lip before sighing and continuing. "I would like to think that Cullen would be here otherwise. Or at least Demon."

"What the hell were you thinking naming your dog that?" He chuckled at the irony of a so called demon watching over the Templar.

"For the first time in my life I wasn't thinking about being a mage actually. Right after we left Flemeth's there was a large group of darkspawn and he was there tearing everything up! Morrigan let me keep him.!" She smiled with a childish happiness that had been missing from her face for a long time.

"Well wasn't that nice of her. Next time we are in Denerim you should get him some barding and you can ride him into battle."

"That is actually my secret plan for Sten." She giggled and Jowan laughed at that mental image.

"My head hurts." She said plainly.

"Well let's get some dinner into you and then we can see about finding work for you. And don't even think we are going to let you pull guard duty!"


	12. Chapter 12

"You have been practicing your apothecary skills."

Jowan was surprised when Nemmy had suggested they kill some time working on rebuilding their stocks of healing potions and various other curatives. In the tower short of healing spells it was Nemmy's least favorite course and she had avoided the chores associated with the skill with all her might. Jowan had actually excelled at both and taken great pride in tutoring Nemmy in the skills prior to her Harrowing, again in what seemed like another life time.

"A little with Morrigan when we were getting to know each other, it was…awkward" She admitted with a small smile. "And besides now we have much fresher ingredients to work with." She says as she pops a small green sprig into her mouth with pleasure. The two mages had eaten a small dinner and dug out the small vials and mortars, getting down to work, to occupy the long night.

Roland had come and gone again since Jowan had returned. He and the others would split up guard duty and they would talk in the morning provided Nemmy was feeling up to it, which the Warden agreed quickly. She also suggested that if the others woke before they were ready to meet that perhaps they could go hunting and bring the extra supplies to the Chasined. Roland agreed it was a good thought and would talk to the others in the morning about it.

There was a comfortable silence between the two mages. Jowan had been keeping a careful eye on Nemmy to see if she had any signs of some more serious complications of a head wound and was trying to hid it. Thankfully he had not seen anything like that aside from the troubled look that would pass over the elf's features every now and then and the deep bags under her eyes. He supposed all things considered it could have been much worse, and for that he was thankful. He was not about to bring up the situation that had landed her here, nor the implications of it come morning until she did.

Even as Nemmy was silent and her eyes were far away, Jowan kept drawing his gaze down to her hands. Long, slender fingers stripping away bark and leaves of plants easily while Nemmy seemed a million miles away, lost to her own thoughts. The tent had also seemed to grow cold, Jowan felt a sudden chill before Nemmy's eyes refocus, and she looks at him almost embarrassed.

"Oh hey. I almost forgot." She drops what she was doing and crawls over to her pack in an unsteady gate. Without conscious thought Jowan follows, using a hand on her hip to help steady her. Untying the laces she pulls out a very large blue tome and hands it to him with a smirk.

"Happy extra early birthday"

A tome of the Spirit Healer. All of Kinloch Hold only had one copy. Only one enchanter at a time was allowed to study the book. Appetence's were never allowed to use the copy in case something should happen to it; they were just too valuable to be trusted to those unskilled enough to use it without constant supervision. So how had Nemmy managed to get a copy and to what purpose?

"Nemmy where in the Maker's green fields did you get this?"

"Levi" As if that answered everything. The Dryden who had led her to Warden's Peak, where she had met the ancient Blood Mage. Where she had learned forbidden magic and untold history of her new order with Alistair right after the events of Ostagar.

"Nemmy, I don't know what to say. Are you sure you want me to have this? Blood mages are not typically healers…." He traced the silver inlay on the book, it was quite beautiful. But Nemmy came to sit beside him. Hip to hip like they always did in the Tower a lifetime ago. To her nothing had changed between them.

"Blood mages maybe not but you Jowan, are the best healer from the tower. You deserve the chance to learn. Now that we are free we should be able to make our own choices…" Her voice trailed off suddenly sad. She was clearly talking about much more than learning a few new spells.

"Thank you Nemmy. You are so much better to me than I deserve." He leaned over and kissed the top of her head, careful to avoid the wound on her forehead.

"It is very late, you should get some rest. Your head will hurt like the abyss in the morning but I think the sleep will do you some good." He started to get up to leave but the elf made a small noise of dissent and he paused.

Nemmy's hand was on the pendant Cullen and given her and she was chewing her lip in that way she did when she was weighing her options. She looked so tired and sad and _small_ when she looked up at him. The shadows under her eyes were dark and sunken, how she had managed to stay awake this long since the battle he honestly did not know.

"Er… Umm Jowan? " She paused fidgeting before finally looking up at him. " It is so late and you haven't slept either, maybe if you could….if you want to I mean….You could stay?" The tips of her ears were blushing slightly.

She was exhausted but he also knew the dreams would not be far off for the mage Warden. She needed the sleep desperately but if you woke up in a cold sweat screaming it would not help matters. She was looking at him with those pleading eyes that he could never deny her. Thank the Maker that her psychotic boyfriend was under guard. He sighed defeated and nodded.

She had fallen to sleep within a few moments of finding a comfortable position. Jowan had not been so lucky. The soft sound of Nemmy snoring was more cute than annoying but he still positioned himself awkwardly, afraid to accidently jostle her awake or worse have her hit the knot on the side of her temple. Memories came back unbidden and he found himself wondering just what exactly Nemmy had done right before Cullen had blanked out.

_Jowan had been trying to get this lighting spell down for days. Enchanter Torrin had little patience for apprentices who could not progress. The enchanter had been hounding him since early in the morning and Jowan was beyond exhausted. Nemmy had slipped him a lyrium potion hours ago but even the effects of that were long past gone._

_He could see Nemmy across the room. She had mastered lightning bolt ages ago but for some reason was holding back her training. She was assigned a different group of more advanced students but he could make out the top of her ponytail among the older students. He had more pressing issues than watching his best friend. Torrin was back and berating him in front of the rest of the younger students._

"_Leave him alone. Can't you see he is exhausted?" Nemeria had broken off from her group and was besides the Senior enchanter. What the small girl lacked in good sense she made up in bravery. The dark skinned man gnashed his teeth. Surely being called out by a young apprentice would not go over well. But Nemmy didn't care._

"_He has been working on the same spell for a week child. If he can't progress he surely won't pass his Harrowing." He was trying to be fair minded here, this was Irving's apprentice after all. He glanced at the girl and back at Jowan who looked both shocked and embarrassed at the same time._

"_What is the point of learning offensive spells? It's just another thing that the Templars can say we are dangerous for. Jowan is the best healer I know; he has more chance than any of us."_

"_Get back to your group girl. I will deal with you later. "Barely contained rage and Jowan wished to make himself very small. Nemmy had tried to help but would only succeed in making things worse. He was too exhausted and the senior enchanter would take out his anger on him. He would be bruised and battered before allowed to go to the infirmary tonight he knew._

_It was not long later when he had taken a hit to the shoulder. Gritting his teeth against the pain he had tried to cast back. The jolt made his teeth tingle and he could feel the singed fabric across his throbbing shoulder. He stumbled backwards and suddenly the room was cracking around him. The enchanter must really be annoyed with him._

_But it had not been the enchanter and the room was full of electricity and not just his exhausted imagination. There were clouds inside the library and Jowan could feel his arm hair standing on end. There was shouting and he could just see a pair of hands waving about casting the spell. Nemeria._

_The enchanters and group that had been working on torturing Jowan ran over to the other group to watch the storm gathering indoors. Out of the corner of his eye as he regained his feet Jowan made eye contact with Nemeria, sweat pouring down the sides of her face in effort, and she gave him a little smile._

_What a fool he had been._

_That night Jowan was trying to mend his robe but was only succeeding in stabbing himself with the needle. Maker he was tired. Soft padded footfalls and Nemmy flops on his bed. It was well past night call but she chatted as if it were afternoon tea._

"_How are you feeling?" She asked_

"_I was about to ask you the same thing. That was quite the theatric display." He stabs himself with the needle again and hisses._

"_I'll live" She shrugs and takes the robe from his hand. Her long fingers weave in and out of the fabric effortlessly. Her face is focused on him however._

"_How is the shoulder?" _

" _Fine. I'll be back to catching lightning bolts in no time." He rotates the arm to prove his point._

"_Not funny." She frowns. "You didn't go to the infirmary. Let me see."_

"_And you will do what? Sew my skin back on?" It was unfair and he knew it. Nemeria had been trying to learn healing spells for months without success. Jowan had even tried teaching her to no avail. She could flash freeze all the bathwater in a room but she could not heal the smallest cut._

""_That is what I will do if you don't let me see." She warned with a smile, returning his robe finished._

"_Nemeria I'm fine. Really. "He was embarrassed really. The wound was pretty ugly looking and he was too tired to do much about it. But he could tell looking at her face that she was not going to let this go. _

"_Embarrassed to let me see how you have gone to flab? Come on I know you can just take your shirt off." She teased and he could feel the color rising to his cheeks. Thank the Maker for the darkened room. She was pawing at the ties to his robe with her nimble fingers. He tried to bat her hand away and winced in pain. Damn that infernal elf._

_She was closer now, almost sitting in his lap and his teenage body was reacting to the proximity. He was too damn tried to heal himself but that apparently was still energetic enough. _

"_Uch, you've knotted it. I can't see to get it undone." She leans in to this throat to try to fight the lacings. The smell of mint and something more comes off her hair and he turns away trying to hide his embarrassment. Her fingers were cool against his skin and his mind was wandering._

"_Here hold this." A small light appears suddenly and Jowan looks at it confused. A small green blob of light appears in her palm._

"_Uhh what?" He looks at her and then the wisp._

"_Just put your hand out and touch it."_

_He laughs at the comments and she looks at him confused for a second before joining him, chuckling softly. Sometimes he had to wonder what his bunkmate would hear at night when the elf came to visit. Losing patience, she takes his uninjured hand and passes him the small glowing thing. He feels energy course over him and suddenly feels much less battered. She couldn't heal worth a damn but she could summon a wisp at leisure, life certainly wasn't fair._

"_Creators Jowan!" She exclaimed under her breath as she pulled his shirt away, revealing the torn pink flesh. Even the cold air touching it made him wince and pull back, not to mention her soft cool hands on his chest. _

"_Really it's not as bad as it looks. Ow okay maybe it is….Watch that it's tender!" He whinnied as she poked the surrounding area._

_From the folds of her sleeve she pulled a jar of poultice. Without waiting for his approval, she began to slater it on. She had the bedside manner of an ogre maybe it was good that she couldn't heal He tried hard not to think about her hands running over his chest and instead focus on the pain and the little floating creature giving them light._

_What a fool._

For the first time in many months, Jowan fell asleep with a smile on his face.


End file.
